It is NOT ODD for two people who love each other to argue, disagree, and get angry with each other! But I do wonder is it ODD when there is a cycle of ANGER and MAKING UP that takes place on a regular basis? My next question would have to be, what is a regular basis? For the sake of this article lets say monthly... Have you ever been so angry with the person you love the most that you felt you never wanted to see or speak to them ever again?...so enraged that you wanted to ball up your fist and punch them right in the nose...lol..!!! Your FURIOUS your HURT your even a bit SAD...and you tell him(or her) that your done, you want them to leave you alone!!!! You know that you mean it....you storm through the front door and dont look back, you are completely convinced that this is it.. YOU ARE DONE!!!....... OR ARE YOU??? Within the hour your mind begins to slow down from the rage filled pacing and you suddenly have a burning urge to hear his voice, talk things through, tell him how angry he made you....but you DON'T want to be ANGRY anymore! You want nothing more than to kiss and make up, for him to tell you he is sorry...and put the whole mess behind you...This is what I wonder, what made you say you were done in the first place?...if thats obviously not what you truly felt. What is it that causes us to say and do things we dont mean to the people we LOVE?...Is it an unconscious test for our partner, an attempt on our behalf to discover how much they really care about us. This is one that has me STUMPED! Just a little food for thought.Think About This: CHERISH the people you love, treat them with delicacy and compassion, even when your upset...be mindful of the things you say and do..there may come a day when you can't take it back or "fix it"! Think about how devastated you would feel especially if you knew the things you had said and done are not the way you really feel!
Excellent post. I would say yes, a consistant cycle of "ANGER and MAKING UP" is not only ODD but Unhealthy too. I had to laugh to myself because I initially thought you were saying Oppositiona-Defiant Disorder, or ODD, instead of Odd. It's the therapist in me LOL!
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, there are folks, due to their experiences and what they've learned, who are in a state of chaos during times of peace. They've become so comfortable and used to chaos, yelling, fighting, and disorder that they become uncomfortable when there is actually peace and harmony in the relationship. For them...the person doesn't love them unless they yell and scream. In addition, some folks have learned that in order to be heard or to problem solve, you must raise ur voice and become verbally aggressive, and maybe even physically aggressive. Why this happens in relationships must be taken on a case by case basis, but no...Consistant Anger and Rage Driven Arguments on a regular is Not Healthy.
A couple of other things come to mind. When the person storms out...it sounds like the issue is that "she" is hurt. At the root of most anger is Hurt. It sounds like "she" is saying, "I don't want to hurt any more."
ReplyDeleteIn addition, when discussions and arguments get to the point furious anger, name calling, and character assassination...Love is No Longer In Control. The person is now acting out in his/her flesh. Why do I say this?
"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth..." (1 Corinthians 13:4-6, New King James).
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth" (1 Corinthians 13:4-6, NIV).
Why do we so easily act out in self-defeating ways when we're angry? Because we fail to do the following.
" So then, my beloved brethren, let every man Be Swift to Hear, Slow to Speak, Slow to Wrath." (James 1:19). But why? Because:
"For the wrath of man Does Not Produce the Righteousness of God" (James 1:20).
Arguments can be a positive thing, WHEN done Right. Unfortunately, many of us do not know how to Effectively Communicate our emotions, especially during emotionally heightened situations. Couples MUST stay on topic. Address the issue, and don't bring up irrelevant issues from the past. Most importantly...DO NOT Character Assissnate. There is NO NEED to name call, degrade, or belittle. This is one quick and easy way to get off topic and escalate the situation. Learn how to use "I-Statments." Instead of saying, "You make me sick and you do not care about all the things I do for you." try "I felt really hurt and unappreciated when I made dinner last night and you did not say a word." The use of "I-Statements" helps you take ownership of your emotions instead of blaming someone else for them, and they help you come off less aggressive and threatening.
ReplyDeleteWith the first example, you'll most likely receive a defensive response, in which you'll most likely respond defensively in return. This will usually just escalate the situation. In the second example, the person takes the time to communicate exactly what he/she was feeling, and he/she took ownership for those emotions and feelings.
Nardia...I agree Whole-heartedly with ur last paragraph. We REALLY Need to take the time to Think before we Speak. As you said, you May NEVER get a chance to Right your Wrong. Despite Popular Belief, Words Do Indeed Hurt. There is Life and Death in Our Tongue. Are you Speaking Life or Death in to others?